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Male Safe Sex Guide

So you have gone out for that romantic meal, walked along the beach and watched the sun set in the background. You’ve been waiting all night to hold the guy in your arms but where do you go from there?

This guide is here not to tell you how to have sex but to give you the basic information on what happens and how to do it safely.

Am I a virgin?

This is debatable in the gay world; one guy will say when you have been penetrated by another man; another person may believe that a blow job constitutes loss of virginity. All in all in the gay world you decide when you are a virgin and when you are not, virginity is a label you can chose to have or not.

Be confident!

Only do sexual things you feel confident doing, if you do not want to do it then don’t! Always remember that it’s your body, and that you always have the right to say ‘No’, no matter what you’ve said before and no matter what you’re doing at the time.

Using Condoms

To place a condom on, gently remove it from the packaging (being careful not to rip it), squeeze the tip of the condom and roll it down over the erect penis. You may prefer your partner to do this for you.

When using condoms please remember to use water base lube and not oil based (such as Vaseline or baby oil) as this can corrode the condom.

When you have finished, carefully remove the condom so as not to cause a mess, and tie the end. dispose in a bin, do not put in a toilet. Never ever use a condom more than once!

Don’t forget to carry condoms and lube so you’re always prepared

Touching and kissing

These are just what they say they are: responding to each other and exploring each others’ bodies.

(Mutual) Masturbation

Well the name says it all! This is where you ‘wank’ alone or with another person. There is little risk from masturbation though keep semen away from open cuts or sores. Don’t ever use semen as lube!

Body Rubbing and Massage

This is where you rub or massage your partner to relax or stimulate them. Remember to clean the genitals, anus and hands if you use oil before you use a condom as oils easily damage condoms.

Oral sex (Tellatio)

There are lots of names for oral sex: sucking, blow job, etc. they all however mean the same thing. Oral sex is the stimulation of the penis using the mouth and tongue. Remember you can also use the hands as well (especially if you do not want to deep throat which is taking the whole penis into the mouth).

Remember that every penis is different and so something you do with one guy may feel brilliant for him, however on another guy it could hurt. Communication and telling your partner what you like will enhance the experience.

You will hear a lot of people say that oral sex poses no risk to catching viruses or STI’s this is untrue you can still catch things especially if there are cuts or abrasions in the mouth or on the penis. It is recommended that you do not kiss or engage in sexual activities using the mouth for an hour after brushing your teeth. This is to make sure there are no cuts from doing so.

Oral sex does have a reduced risk of catching STI’s, the best way to be sure is to use a condom - why do you think there are flavoured varieties out there!


This is the stimulation of the anus and surrounding area using the tongue, making sure you have good hygiene is essential here!! STI’s and bacteria can be passed on from rimming so it is a good idea to use something like a dental dam which is a sheet of latex when you are rimming. You can also use a condom cut into a sheet for this.

Anal sex

All over the world you hear that gay sex is all about getting it on and taking it up the arse, and in a lot of people’s minds this is what gay sex is all about. However as Les Dennis on Family Fortunes would say: “And our survey says.” This is not true! It has been found that anal sex is not the main sexual activity that gay men do with their partners. The reason why people like anal sex is because the anus contains millions of nerve endings and is very sensitive to touch. The anus is also the route to the prostate gland, the prostate when touched can be very stimulating, especially if the penis is being played with at the same time.

Roles we play

So how do you decide who does what “stuff”? Well you don’t! Just as in the case of straight sex you don’t sit down and plan what you are going to do before hand. Most people do not decide their roles or what they like to do until they have tried things out and experimented with what feels right for them. There are mainly three roles:

First time experience

Some people like their first experiences of anal play to be by themselves to get used to the feelings and placing something inside it. You can also do it with a partner if you prefer. To have a play and experiment try lying on your side with you knees towards your chest. From here you can reach behind and gently touch the anus, you can also place plenty of lube on a finger and gently place it inside. From here you can try relaxing and contracting your sphincter muscle while trying to move your finger gently in and out.

You could now try two fingers doing the same sort of thing. If you want to find out where you’re prostate is place one or two fingers gently into the anus and move them towards you belly button, if you feel tingly sensations then you have found it.

Being Bottom:

This can be very scary for the first time and can also be painful but if done slowly and carefully it can be a pleasurable experience. Remember to use plenty of lube, a condom and try to be relaxed as this reduces any pain that could be felt. The best position for the first time is usually the top lying flat on his back with the bottom “sitting” on top of the top guy’s penis this gives control to the bottom. The bottom can then decide how quickly the penetration happens and how much of the other guy’s penis he allows in. Remember the person penetrating you must use a condom because sexually transmitted infections can be passed on by anal sex because the area surrounding the anus is a susceptible for sperm, blood, bacteria, or viruses.

Being Top:

Your first time as top is different from being bottom, you need to make sure you where a condom and be as slow and gentle as your partner wishes. Make sure you put plenty of lube over the top of the condom before you insert the penis.

It’s all a bit kinky …

Gay men do not just take part in vanilla actives (standard anal and oral), some men or groups of men have fetishes. A fetish is something that someone finds a turn on. This could be a certain item of clothing e.g. leather (or if you’re a Star Wars fan getting the person to dress up as Luke Skywalker!). For other people it could be a part of the body e.g. feet, nipples, etc.

If a fetish relates to a sexual situation you will hear it being called “kinky” this includes this includes BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism) and role-playing. It is not wrong to take part in such activities and a lot of BDSM is just an extension of the activepassive roles we looked at earlier.

Just remember: only do something if you are comfortable doing it!

BDSM is basically about the power relationship between the two people, this can range from spanking to humiliation - however it should only happen if it is consensual between the two people! Just the same as vanilla you must use protection because the same things can be passed on in just the same way!

Fingering and Fisting

Fingering is either using your fingers to stimulate the outside of the anus or penetrating your partner’s anus with your fingers to stimulate his prostate. Nails should be very short with no sharp edges and waterbased lube should reduce tears to the skin, which would make HIV transmission easier during anal sex. You can also use a latex glove to reduce risks.

Fisting is along the same lines as fingering, except you insert your whole hand and maybe some of your arm into his anus. You’ll need to use lots and lots lube, and you may find that actually placing your fingers into a fist isn’t the easiest way to fist your partner. Fisting is invasive, and is likely you could damage the anus. Wear a latex glove and use lots of lube, going slowly and carefully.

Sex Toys

Using sex toys during sex can spice things up, however they may have small amounts of blood and semen on. If shared this could get into yours or another person’s body. To reduce the risk put a condom on dildos for each use and wash it with hot soapy water. It is far safer to not share sex toys whether it is during sex or lending it to a friend!

Wet and Messy

The rule with getting messy with poo (SCAT) and pissing on someone (watersports) is to keep it away from the eyes, mouth and broken skin; it is also a good idea not to get it in the mouth or body. This is because there can be traces of blood in it, and this could pass on HIV. If you follow this rule, you will also avoid hepatitis A and B, which are easily passed on this way. Just remember to wash your hands after!

Group Sex or Threesomes

Well it is exactly what it says on the tin. This is when more than two people partake in a sexual experience. The experiences can be the same as above as well as acts that can only be done with more than two people for example multiple penetration also termed as “gang bang” or orgy. Although it can be fun and exciting remember that you should perform safe sex in the same way as one-on-one sex. There is a higher risk of HIV and STIs,

Sex with a woman

This is not just for the bi men! Sometimes gay men sleep with women too. Nearly all of the above applies to sleeping with a women as it does with men. The only main differences are:

Vaginal Sex: We should all remember this from sex ed, this is where the male insert the penis into the vagina. Use a condom when having sex just the same as with a man. Remember that caps, coils, sponges or the pill will not protect you from HIV or STIs.
Oral Sex: Use a dental dam as a barrier between the vagina and the tongue.

Don’t forget unprotected sex can result in pregnancy!

Remember Safer Sex!

There is nothing worse than having a night of passion and then finding out it gave you an STI.

For anal sex: Use a condom and lube
For oral sex: Use a flavoured condom
For rimming: Use a dental dam or a flavoured condom cut into a sheet
For fingering or fisting: Use latex gloves and plenty of lube

By protecting yourself you are reducing your risk of getting an STI! Is a good site to buy quality condoms at a low price. 

Get Checked Out

A lot of gay and bi men feel it is useful to get checked out every now and again. You can go to the local GUM clinic or your GP for a check up, though remember that your GP is not bound by the same confidentiality as the GUM clinic. GUM clinics are not allowed to give your confidential information to anyone and if you feel scared you can always give them a false name.

If you feel or know you have put yourself at risk it is better to get checked out soon rather than later. The sooner you seek help the sooner any treatment you may need can start.

You can contact the local GUM clinic at:
CEREDIGION AND MID WALES NHS TRUST, Department of Genitourinary Medicine, North Road Clinic, Queens Avenue, Aberystwyth, SY23 2EG. Tel: 01970 636216

Testicular Cancer

It is very important for men to check their balls regularly for changes in shape or if lumps appear. Testicular cancer does not get picked up on as much as it should because men generally do not like to talk about their bits and bobs downstairs. If you find a change in your testicles or you find them hurting or are getting pain from them you should consult your doctor for advice. It is a painless procedure to have them checked out. The only thing to be worried about is having a cute doctor standing in front of you.

Help and Support

The following Terrence Higgins Trust guides are very good reads and the society recommends them highly. Below the Belt, The Bottom Line, and The Manual:
Also the following web pages contain more information:
Checked Out:

Coming Out
Staying Safe
Lesbian FAQ
Trans FAQ
Male Safe Sex Guide
Female Safe Sex Guide
Sexual Transmitted Infections (STIs)
Your Rights at Work
Help Lines
LGBT History
Other University LGBT Group

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