Bit of a venting post here, just wanting to get stuff off my chest.
For my followers that don’t know me very well personally: Hi, I’m Dave. I’m a University student in Aberystwyth, Wales. I like gaming, NERF, some roleplaying, Homestuck, Dr Who, Star Wars, Marvel Comics, Star Trek and many, many other things.
And the reason for writing this post: I just ended an almost two and a half year relationship under a month ago. And I feel shit about it.
When I say I feel shit about it, that’s not to say I feel all bad, that I regret the decision completely, or anything like that. But my feelings are just conflicted, as in the title.
Everything started really well. Met this girl quite randomly, and we hit it off instantly. Got to know each other over Skype and whatnot, confessed feelings for each other, yadayada. When we saw each other again about a month or two later we made it official.
Very important point: This was a long-distance relationship from the very beginning. She was from Switzerland, at that moment part of a travelling theater group. I was living in Poland, then moved to the UK. So our relationship was either me in Poland and her travelling around Germany/Poland, me in the US and her in Switzerland, me in UK and her in Switzerland.
So for about a year everything was going well. Yeah, there were things that I knew we disagreed upon, such as her being more religious than me, her dislike to alcohol, which resulted in her not wanting to kiss me after literally a sip of anything alcoholic. I was young (18+) and in love and figured everything would be fine.
Then, stupidly, since we had talked so much about marriage and a future together and blah blah blah, I proposed about a year after we first got together. I was happy, she was happy, there were congratulations, etc etc etc.
Things continued to be fine for another 9 months or so. Over that summer, so summer of 2012 she stayed with me in Aber, and after some issues at first we seemed to have found a compromise and everything was going OK. Then she left, life began again and we were back in the world of Uni and work and shit. Then I got close to a female friend of mine, and all hell broke loose.
My ex was always socially awkward. She has very few friends, and I was the only person she really talked to. I felt burdened by that in a way, and smothered. We chatted constantly, which was fine when I had the time. But 2nd year of Uni, shit kicks off, degree gets more intense, I was part of two society committees, for a while I had two jobs. She thought I was ignoring her, despite the fact that I texted her all the time when I had any free time, and even when I shouldn’t have been texting her, like during lectures, society events and meetings, or on nights out with friends.
November is when it all went really downhill. The cycle of misery began. We were making each other miserable but I especially felt really bad. I felt disrespected, that my emotions, wants, dreams and likes weren’t important, that it was all her and I took the sidelines. Additionally, jealousy became a real trouble on her part, with her freaking out whenever I mentioned a female friend, particularly Emma. Of course, that just pushed me closer to Emma and further from my ex. And thus for several months.
My friend Emma, the aforementioned close female friend was there the entire time to support me. Never have I been so thankful to have someone there fore me and helping me through a tough time.
I had semi-frequent thoughts of suicide. I was growing increasingly close to Emma, in a way I knew I shouldn’t have been, and my woman, whom I thought I was destined to marry was killing me. The last straw, the part that killed the relationship for me occurred in March. We were having a Question and Answer session before the election for the new committee for the Aber Gaming Society. She basically said she hoped I didn’t win either of the positions I was running for because they would take my time away from her. It crushed me. I was barely able to walk up onto the stage when it was my turn, put on a brave face and answer the questions and banter like everything was OK.
I almost literally died that night. I was emotionally destroyed, nothing left to feel, not pain, not anger, just a barren landscape of emotion.
So, after 6 months of misery, broken by some very few good times, I ended it the beginning of April, a few days before my 21st birthday. The day I ended it I felt so shit, my heart nearly broke when she handed me her ring and closed my hand around it. I knew I wanted that, and yet it was the most miserable I had ever felt.
Now, several weeks have passed, and I want to think I’m over her. And yet, on occasion I get these weird feelings, like I’ve made the wrong choice, like we were meant to be together. I have no idea what’s going on. Couple that with the fact that I have strong feelings for Emma, ones that I know are reciprocated, and I am in agony. I don’t know what to do. I just want these feelings to stop, so I can move on with my life and hopefully, a future with Emma.
What do I do?